I Think I'm A Slut For Consumerism

I love stuff. Huge materialist. Big fan of “things.” I also like people and such, but I’m not talking about that right now so don’t ask about it.

Advertising on Instagram has been a huge hit to my bank account. If you are a company, and you tell me that I’ll get 15% off of my first purchase if I sign up for your email list, there is an 80% chance that I will sign up for your email list, and that I will savor that 15%.

The other day I was scrolling through my Instagram feed and an advertisement, like the one I mentioned above, appeared. Fulfilling my role as a consumer in a capitalist society, I clicked on the account. I was really impressed with their Insta-game, so on I went to their website. Frasier Sterling is a jewelry haven for younger millennials/Gen Z kiddos and for people who go to Coachella. I immediately bee-lined to the customizable section (I AM AN INDIVIDUAL) and narrowed in on their gold personalized choker. It’s called the “Star-Crossed Lovers” necklace, and for some reason I gathered that maybe you were supposed to get your “lover’s” name on it.

LAME.

I got my own goddamn name on it because me, myself, and I are in a weird love triangle, so it was more than appropriate.

Unrelated: What are our thoughts on me taking more mirror selfies? I'm for it so I'm going to do it even if you say no, but lmk.

Anyway, I added my necklace to my cart (the necklace was $66 and I paid $63 with my killer discount) and just screamed "Take my money!" at my computer while I typed in my credit card information. I feel like the 2017 version of the 2007 Carrie Bradshaw and I love it.

I transition.

Hold on to your chairs because do I have some news for you: The Kylie Shop has great customer service. A very efficient company. Top Workplace 2017 (I don’t know if the actual employees feel the same, but I do).

Backtracking. However long ago, Kylie debuted her infamous “Like, Realizing Stuff” tee, and I was like “Damn, same Kylie.” Obviously, these shirts were long sold out at this point. However, sometime last week I was on Instagram (goddammit, Anna) and I saw that The Kylie Shop was restocking on the third of March. My eyes bugged. I won’t say that it wasn’t a sign from God seeing that in my newly found singledom, I, like Kylie, was REALIZING STUFF (please imagine that I’m all up in your personal space when you read that last bit). I don’t have class on Fridays, which is good because I would have cleared my schedule for this anyway, so I set myself up in the library and started refreshing the site page continually beginning at 11:58 a.m. Everything I had my eye on sold out in about a minute. But, I am the proud owner of a “Like, Realizing Stuff” tee and a “I’m the Kylie, You’re the Kendall” tee because Kylie is my favorite and I’m not ashamed of it. I could only snag them in larges, but who cares because oversized is in (right?).

The real kicker was that my my tees shipped about two hours after I ordered them. Amazing. Blessed. Also, I saw my ex approximately 15 minutes after I ordered everything and I was, like, realizing stuff (this phrase will never get old! I will keep this phrase alive!)

Sadly, neither my necklace or my tees have arrived yet. According to the USPS online tracking system, both packages are in Oklahoma which is really weird. Is Oklahoma a hub for overpriced millennial merchandise?