Running: An Inner Monologue
You should go on a run when you wake up in the morning. Set your alarm for 7:00 am.
7:00 AM: It’s really early I should go on a run after work when I’m more energized.
6:45 PM: Oh my god I’m ravenous.
What is there to eat in the fridge?
Ooo three meatballs. But I want something sweet too ugh.
Yes yes yes there are cookies.
Cookies and meatballs it is.
Shit I said I was going to go on a run.
UGHHHHHHH.
Fine.
Where are my shoes?
Ponytail ponytail ponytail…
WHY can’t I ever make a perfect messy bun?
Why am I already sweating?
Why don’t I look like Gigi Hadid?
Ew look at my arms I definitely need to work out.
Jesus, it’s hot out.
Music music music.
Omg I think I have to pee.
WE CAN GET HIGH OH-NAH-NAH-NAH.
I wonder if people think I look athletic.
I hope they think I do this every day.
I bet people think I look hot.
WE CAN GET LOST OH-NAH-NAH-NAH.
TAKE IT ALL OFF OH-NAH-NAH-NAH.
Wow I could run all day. Maybe I’ll even run two miles.
Shit, there are two guys running this way. Lengthen your stride, run faster.
Oh my god I’m so tired now why did I do that.
I’ve only been running for 5 minutes why am I so wet?
Shit, I’ve only been running for 5 minutes?
I can feel those meatballs bouncing around.
I’m going to throw up.
I’m going to throw up.
I’m not going to throw up.
I’m not going to throw up.
Am I going uphill? This is ridiculous I’m in the Midwest.
Thank god, a Don’t Cross sign.
NO, DON’T WAVE ME THROUGH.
Goddammit.
I’m waving out of obligation not because I’m happy with you.
This f*cking sucks I’m just going to be out-of-shape for forever.
Remember when you were young and could run a 6-minute mile?
You were way uglier though.
Touché, self.
Okay, almost home.
Am I panting really loudly?
I could just stop now and walk the rest of the way.
DON’T BE A QUITTER, YOU LOSER.
I’m probably going to be alone forever.
YES I’M DONE.
Oh my god I think I’m going to die.
10 Minutes Later: Oh I feel so good! I should do this every day.
12 Days Later: "Guys, I ran the other day."