A Meeting On Me — Okay, but like

How I assume a monthly meeting between my personal wellness team would go, feat:

Shawn: my personal trainer

Marie: my therapist

Marjorie: my facialist

Joann: my nail esthetician

Keri: my hairstylist

Shawn: Anna’s been doing great at training but I did want to talk to you guys about this sudden urge to lift very heavy weights?

Marie: Oh she really wants to beat her boyfriend in an arm-wrestling match.

Joann: I can confirm that, yes. We discussed it on Monday at her appointment.

Shawn: Okay great, just wanted to see where we thought the motivation was behind that. Next?

Marjorie: Marie, I did want to talk to you about any stressors you anticipate in the next month. I’m debating between red light therapy or gua sha in our next session.

Marie: There’s some big changes happening at work so I think that will definitely be a factor you should address.

Marjorie: Okay thank you for confirming. She does tend to get stress breakouts around her jawline so I think we’ll do the red light therapy to kill bacteria and see how she does from there?

Marie: I think that’s the best course of action, yes.

Joann: Jumping in here, I did want to point out, Keri, that her ends seemed really dry when I saw her on Monday. Not sure if you had any idea where that could be coming from?

Keri: Jesus, I’ve told her 100 times to use that hair oil I gave her.

Marjorie: I mean it’s her with the under eye cream all over again. She’s so concerned about getting premature wrinkles. Like THIS is what is going to help that!

Shawn: I have noticed her eyes looked a little puffy in our morning sessions.

Joann: Shawn, do we think we can lay off the dead lifts for a bit? She’s chipped almost all of her right nails the past two weeks.

Shawn: Hmm. I guess we can make some changes there.

Joann: Just as long as we can confirm there won’t be any activity of the kind past next Tuesday because I don’t want her nails to be chipped when her mother comes to visit.

All: Yes, yes definitely.

Keri: Marie, do you want to finish us off?

Marie: Yes! Thank you. As per usual here are list of topics I recommend avoiding for the month during all small-talk situations:

The fact that there are no female candidates remaining in the 2020 presidential race; TikTok; Carole Baskin; Vanessa Hudgens and Austin Butler breaking up - “

Marjorie: Still?

Marie: Yeah not sure why we can’t let go of that one. Anyways:

Dieting; moving apartments; and anything regarding high school, her job, or cardboard.

Joann: Cardboard?

Keri: Apparently her dad won’t recycle cardboard he just throws it away. We talked about it for 20 minutes last month.

Joann: Weird.

Marie: Now for the recommended topics:

Never Have I Ever; Meghan and Harry; the incompetence of Donald Trump; traveling; her niece, Jillian; the breakfast place her and Branson went to last month; and anything that happened at any of the previous Democratic Presidential debates.

Shawn: Is that all?

Marie: You can bring up abortion rights but she will likely get pretty charged up about it.

Marjorie: But then she might shift into Ruth Bader Ginsburg and that’s pretty fun.

Marie: Okay thanks, everyone. See you next month.